We Find Out if Col. Sanders is a Leg or Breast Man in This Free KFC Novella

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OMG, we thought we’d seen it all. We really did. But we were wrong. SO WRONG.

There we were, innocently surfing the web looking for Mother’s Day deals, when we chanced upon KFC’s astounding new Mom’s Day giveaway.

It’s …

It’s …

Well, it’s not mild. It’s spicy.

It’s finger-lickin’ good.

It’s “Tender Wings of Desire,” a romance novella featuring Col. Sanders himself as the love interest. Yes, you read that right.

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There he is on the cover. The white hair and mustache, the nerd glasses, that weird skinny white beard, the white (sleeveless?) suit — and his glistening, muscled biceps manfully lifting up our fiery redheaded heroine and carrying her away from all her troubles. (SIGH.)

Mothers — or anyone, really — can download this cultural artifact here on Amazon absolutely free for a limited time.

It’s an ebook, which unfortunately means you can’t display it proudly in a prominent place on your bookshelf, and that’s too bad because we totally want to do that. We totally would if we could.

However, KFC says it also plans to surprise 100 fans on Facebook with the chance to win dinner and a hard copy of the book.

As of this writing, the only thing about the novella on KFC’s Facebook page is a link to this YouTube video, which starts out with: “This Mother’s Day, let Col. Sanders take care of dinner — and Mom’s fantasies.” The video gets even more bat$&%# crazy from there.

“The only thing better than being swept away by the deliciousness of our Extra Crispy Chicken is being swept away by Harland Sanders himself,” said KFC advertising director George Felix, who is clearly embracing this whole thing. “So this Mother’s Day, the bucket of chicken I get for my wife will come with a side of steamy romance novella.”

For some reason the Colonel’s love story is not set in Kentucky, but in Victorian England instead. (Guess that’s more romance-y.) With a mix of fascination and self-loathing, we read the plot description on Amazon:

When Lady Madeline Parker runs away from Parker Manor and a loveless betrothal, she finally feels like she is in control of her life. But what happens when she realizes she can’t control how she feels? When she finds herself swept into the arms of Harland, a handsome sailor with a mysterious past, Madeline realizes she must choose between a life of order and a man of passion. Can love overcome lies? What happens in the embrace of destiny, on the Tender Wings of Desire?

So why is KFC doing this — other than the fact its advertising executives are apparently smoking crystal meth or something? I mean, this is the restaurant chain that gave us fried-chicken-scented sunscreen, secret-spice-scented candles and chicken-flavored edible nail polish.

It turns out that Mother’s Day is KFC’s best-selling day of the year. The restaurant chain sees a 40% jump in sales, serving about 380,000 families on that day. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 6.5 million pieces of chicken, 900,000 servings of mashed potatoes and gravy, and 480,000 helpings of coleslaw.

“Tender Wings of Desire” is KFC’s very first romance novella, just in case you were wondering.

As you read this bodice-ripper, you might embrace it as a fun, free publicity stunt. Or it might leave you deeply disturbed, with emotional scars that will last a lifetime.

But if you ask us, the Colonel makes a natural love interest. After all, women love a man in uniform. And we have no doubt that our hero will bring his secret blend of herbs and spices to the occasion.

No word yet on whether he’s a leg or breast man.

Your Turn: You choose — Fabio or the Colonel?

Mike Brassfield (mike@thepennyhoarder.com) is a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. He’s deeply ashamed for having written this, yet he feels an undeniable craving to eat an entire bucket of chicken by candlelight right now, with a glass of Chianti.