This post was published April 1, 2016 as part of our April Fool’s Day Lineup.
Your budget is tight this week, and you’ve exhausted your options for making extra money.
You gave up the idea of a job long ago, because who wants that?
You could sell your clothes, but you like them. You could sell the books you don’t read, or the records you don’t listen to — but they look so nice on the faux-vintage Ikea shelf you got at a thrift store.
So what can you do?
When you’re out of options, we say, turn to magic.
Magic is an incredible way to solve life’s problems — it can make anything happen. Unlike restrictive daily life in the physical world, magic gets things done.
Magician Eddie Joseph knows how to use magic to get ahead in life, and he wants to help you do the same.
That’s why he’s written “How to Pick Pockets for Fun and Profit: A Magician’s Guide to Pickpocket Magic.”
Anything that can be carried in a person’s pocket can be secretly removed. This book will show you how.
The book promises to teach you:
1. “Elementary Principles of Misdirection and Sleight-of-Hand”
While they seem complicated, these techniques “can be easily learned by anyone,” the book’s description promises.
That includes even people dumb enough to pay for this book.
2. “How to Remove Objects From People’s Pockets While Talking to Them…”
This skill is key to stealing from your closest friends or people who flirt with you at bars.
We tend to carry wallets, cell phones and expensive old-timey watches in exposed pockets, so you could profit significantly from just one night out.
3. … Or “Even Up on Stage While a Thousand Eyes Are Watching”
This alternative to close-up encounters is perfect for the large-scale thief who also has access to a theater.
4. “How to Remove Wristwatches…”
We can’t imagine why you’d need a wristwatch in 2016 — and that guy over there probably doesn’t need one, either.
Unburden the people around you of this antiquated accessory, melt it down and sell the metal for profit.
5. “… And Articles of Clothing”
“Imagine the expressions on the faces of the audience,” reads the book’s description, “and your victim, when you remove his boxer shorts!”
This will certainly save you a few bucks. Men’s underwear is, like, $15 a pack these days.
And, hey, you’re already engaging in petty theft. Why not throw in a touch of harassment while you’re at it?
“How to Pick Pockets for Fun and Profit” is available on Amazon for $9.04.
And if you’re looking for a Kindle edition to save some money, you’re out of luck. This gem is available in paperback only.
Your Turn: Have you ever tried pickpocketing for profit? Can you please return my watch? Thanks.
Our lawyers would like to remind you that it’s April 1.
Disclosure: This post includes affiliate links. We’re letting you know because it’s what Honest Abe would do. After all, he is on our favorite coin.
Dana Sitar (@danasitar) is a staff writer at The Penny Hoarder. She also writes about writing, life, comedy and love for blogs and books and sometimes things people care about, like Huffington Post and that one time she had an article published in the Onion.