These Are Perfect Clapbacks for When Your Finances Start Throwing Shade
Your debt is out of hand. Like, drunk at 3 a.m. on Twitter out of hand.
It’s time to ? shut ? it ? down.
Next time your finances threaten to get you down, show ’em what you’re made of.
Here are seven scathing financial clapbacks for every time money throws a little too much shade on your sunny day.
1. For the Empty Savings Account Mocking Your Globetrotting Dreams
Every time your new issue of “Travel & Leisure” shows up, you hear your bank account hissing, “Yeah, enjoy that rustic Irish inn with the $8.37 you’ve squirreled away.”
? Use This App to Start Saving Without Thinking About It
Next time you swipe your credit card, you can tell your bank account, “Enjoy my spare change, boo.”
That’s because you’ll be using Acorns, an app that helps you save and invest without thinking about it.
Acorns connects to your checking account and credit cards. With each purchase, it rounds up to the nearest dollar and sticks your digital change into a simple investment portfolio based on your goals.
So you can set aside money without noticing it missing, and that money has the potential to grow through investments in the stock market. And you never had to learn WTF an ETF is.
You: 1. Mountain of debt: 0.
2. For the Maxed-out Credit Cards Dissing Your Monthly Budget
You think you’ve got your budget figured out each month. Then you spy your credit card bills chatting in the corner: “Does she seriously believe she’ll ever get rid of one of us?”
? Consolidate Your Credit Card Debt to Pay It off Faster
Clap back at your credit card debt with Fiona: “I won’t get rid of one of you. I’ll just get rid of all of you at once.”
Through this marketplace, you can consolidate your credit card debt, so you have just one lender to worry about — possibly with a much lower interest rate.
Fiona searches lenders to match you with a personalized loan offer in three steps. Fiona’s platform can help you borrow up to $100,000 (no collateral needed) with fixed rates starting at 4.99% and terms from 24 to 84 months.
3. For the Student-Loan Debt Taunting You for Changing Your Major Six Times
College was tough. It doesn’t help that now you have tens of thousands of dollars in student-loan debt screaming, “Maybe if you were more decisive, you’d have a better job by now!”
? Refinance Student Loans to Get Them Under Control
Bid farewell to your student loans and tell them, “If your interest rates weren’t so ugly, maybe we’d still be together right now.”
Through a marketplace like Credible, you can replace your mess of private and federal loans with a new loan from a single lender.
Starting fresh on your loans could help you:
- Owe a lower monthly payment, in case you’re struggling to keep up with payments now.
- Get a lower interest rate, which means you’ll pay less over the life of your loan.
Credible tells us their average user saves about two interest points on their federal loans.
It might seem like a small difference, but a lower interest rate can mean a lot of savings over time. It’s helping grad Ashley Williams save more than $18,000 in interest over the life of her loan!
Enter your info at Credible to find an interest rate you can swipe right on today.
4. For the Extra Bedroom You Swore You’d Turn Into a Craft Room
You were going to sell your hand-sewn pillows at the weekend art fair. You pay an extra $300 a month to live in the two-bedroom apartment.
But work’s been running you ragged, and you’d rather spend your free time clearing your mind with Netflix than cross-stitching swear words. So the room sits mostly unused, nagging you every time you walk by, “Bet you can’t even darn a sock.”
? Make Your Space Count By Listing the Spare Room
Adjust your aspirations, and make that snarky room earn its keep by renting it out to travelers in your city.
If you’re a good host with a desirable space, you could add hundreds — even thousands — of dollars to your savings account with Airbnb.
(Hosting laws vary from city to city. Please understand the rules and regulations applicable to your city and listing.)
5. For the Paycheck That LOLs When You Want to Go Out for a Night With the Girls
You feel a rush of excitement every payday — and it dissipates later that day when you pay all your bills. It’s like your salary is mocking you, “Enjoy the spoils of your labor — oh, nvm!”
? Boost Your Bank Account by Starting a Lucrative Side Gig
You’ve done all you can to raise your salary at work — so find another source of income. Starting a side hustle can put extra money in your pocket and give you some control over your finances.
To make money on their own schedule, Sam and Susen Meteer earn $1,500 a week taking turns driving for Lyft and raising kids.
“It keeps milk on the table,” Sam says.
The extra cash could help you pay the bills and, you know, have a life. Here’s the link to get started.
6. For the Fancy Dress Shop That Eyes You Up Like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman.”
Window shopping is fun, but the price tags on some of those outfits just scream, “I don’t think we have anything for you. You’re obviously in the wrong place.”
? Get Paid to Walk Into Your Favorite Stores
With an app called Shopkick, you’ll always be in the right place — and you’ll earn money being there.
Shopkick pays you in rewards called “kicks” for walking into partner stores (including biggies like Target, Walmart, Macy’s and more). You’ll also earn kicks for scanning items in the stores or purchasing them with a connected card.
You can redeem your kicks for gift cards to places like Starbucks and Sephora — so you’ll look haute next time you stroll by that condescending window display.
7. For the Retirement Account That Says You’ll Be in This Cubicle Forever
Your retirement plan sees your dreams, and scoffs. “Better rig that RV with Wi-Fi, because you’ll never stop working.”
? Show Your 401(k) Who’s Boss With This Simple Robo-Advisor
If you’re worried your retirement savings isn’t on the right track, spy on it with Blooom.
Signing up for your employer’s 401(k) plan is a good start. But you also need to make sure it’s doing what you need it to. Deciphering your account information — if you can even remember where to find it — can be tough.
That’s what Blooom is for. It’s an SEC-registered robo-adviser, which basically means you get the benefits of an investment advisory firm without the high costs.
You can connect your 401(k) account to Blooom to get up close and personal with it.
You’ll get an initial checkup for free to find out if you’re paying too many hidden fees and whether your money is invested in the best places to get you that RV on your 65th birthday. After that, the tool is $10 a month to continue to monitor your account.
Better rig that RV with Wi-Fi… so you can flaunt your journey to your bajillion Insta followers.
Clap Back at Debt
Debt is a nasty troll. But you don’t have to take its guff anymore.
Get your act together, and show your rude finances what you’re made of.
Dana Sitar ([email protected]) is a senior writer/newsletter editor at The Penny Hoarder. Say hi and tell her a good joke on Twitter @danasitar.
