Although we'd lived together for roughly three years, my wife and I kept our finances separate. It wasn't until we got married and moved to upstate New York that we decided to merge our money.
Up until this point, we’d been responsible for our share of rent and utilities, and split grocery costs in half. We approached date nights by either splitting the bill or alternating who treated.
Maybe it wasn’t romantic, but it worked for us… at least, until we outgrew that approach. From a practical perspective, things that had once been mine, from my pampered pooch to my car, were now ours. So why should I alone cover these costs?
We dutifully merged most of our money, pooling 75% of our earnings. We kept the remainder in personal accounts.
But merging our money didn’t teach us anything about spending it wisely.
We quickly realized we needed to talk about how we would spend and save our money — especially if we were going to stay on track with our student loan and mortgage payments.
We decided to develop a monthly budget, check in with our spending and pay the bills on semi-monthly budgeting nights.
Little did we know, this set the stage for tense discussions about our cash flow. Here's what we fought about, and how we turned it around to work toward goals and make smarter financial decisions.
To start tracking our finances, we needed a tool. We started with the popular You Need a Budget software, but it wasn't right for us.
Our early budget nights stretched for hours as we read YNAB tutorials, watched videos and emailed customer support help to figure out why debit card transactions were importing twice -- YNAB’s solution: manually delete the duplicates.
Our budget was in the red, but we didn't know how to fix it. We were paying $5 per month for a budgeting tool we didn't understand and squabbling on every budgeting night while not getting to the root of our overspending.
Instead of fighting about expenses, which we could fix, we fought about the budgeting process itself. After a few months of feeling stuck and stupid, we started a fresh YNAB budget to see if starting from scratch gave us better luck.
When we still fought over budgeting, we replaced YNAB with Mint. While Mint didn't make us perfect at budgeting, it was a more intuitive solution for us.
Now, instead of fighting over how we were spending money, we could track expenses and set goals. We weren’t getting as much information about historical trends as we did from YNAB, but we were able to draw conclusions about our spending from the data we received. For now, Mint is the right solution for our combined money decisions.
My wife's family never talked about financial decisions openly, including the cost of college. My parents divorced when I was young, so I didn’t receive any consistent model for saving or spending money. Since no one taught us how to budget, we made our own money decisions with the limited information we inherited from our families’ approaches to financial management.
We knew how we spent our money -- we could see every transaction in Mint -- but we hadn't talked about spending patterns.
Were we spending money on things that aligned with our values, needs and wants? Or we were spending on impulse?
Looking over the month's expenses, it was easy to bicker over our spending and lose sight of the bigger picture.
We flipped our mindset from fighting about the past to changing a spending pattern we didn’t like in the future. We discussed what we wanted to spend money on — for us it's food and travel — and what wasn't important to us, like entertainment.
We also discussed what we could handle jointly. Expenses we cover separately include clothing and student loans -- she's in the public service loan forgiveness program, whereas I'm trying to pay off my loans as quickly as possible.
Through our budgeting journey, we struggled with how to stretch our dollars. Between the income inequality for LGBTQ Americans and our careers in writing and nonprofit, there wasn’t much extra to fund our dreams.
To better meet long-range goals, we took a personal finance class and met with a financial planner. By attending now, we’ll know how to secure the future we want.
Our journey toward making smarter financial decisions hasn't been perfect or easy — for instance, we still overspend on groceries — but we've broken down the wall to talking about money and made major strides together.
Sure, we don’t have control over every aspect of our budget or one-time emergency costs, such as car repair, but we’ve tried to counteract these things through smarter spending on what’s in our control.
When we do overspend, we let ourselves off the hook and try to do better next month or find ways to save. By making our own yogurt, for instance, we’ve been able to cut down what was a major expense in grocery costs.
While our goals are a long way off, we’re learning that it is possible to enjoy the journey and the money we’ve earned.
Lindsey Danis (@lindseydanis) is a writer living in the Hudson Valley who covers food, LGBT, travel, essays and commentary.
I was out of the closet for nine years before I came out at work. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember my pounding heart and shaky hands as I tried to be casual. I also remember the burden that lifted after I told my coworkers on a morning bakery shift that I was queer.
No one cared — this was San Francisco, and I wasn't even the only gay baker on staff — but nonetheless, I'd crossed a boundary that over half my peers have not. A 2014 HRC survey found that 53 percent of LGBTQ Americans remain closeted at work.
Caught in limbo between being proud of who they are and being practical about finances, queer Americans face risks unaddressed by the personal finance community. While LGBTQs are vulnerable at work, it's critical to explore ways to increase financial stability.
Transgender workers can legally be fired in 30 states and lesbian, gay and bisexual workers can be fired in 28. While some municipalities protect workers at the local level, many LGBTQs remain vulnerable to office politics.
An LGBTQ employee navigating a job search must decide whether to come out in the interview or on the job, knowing this decision could affect everything from being hired to getting promoted or receiving raises.
While not coming out could mean censoring stories when asked personal questions, coming out means fielding invasive questions from colleagues (like "how do two women have sex?").
Transgender women suddenly find themselves on the losing side of the wage gap. Software developer and a member of Executive Pride, Abby Malson said, “[I experienced] a pay decrease after I transitioned, from… around $80K to unemployment to $65K, all within a period of six months… One of my friends who transitioned at work tried to find another position within her field and spent almost two years getting her pay up to the market rate."
In 2012 and 2016, Prudential undertook a groundbreaking survey of LGBTQ financial needs. The 2016 survey found 41%of LGBTQs are unable to "make ends meet," about 10% more than in 2012. As LGBTQ Americans worry less about their basic human rights, Prudential suggests, they can focus on other essential concerns (namely, self-sufficiency).
On average, lesbians earn $45,606 (straight women earn $51,461) and gays earn $56,936 (straight men earn $83,469).
Where a straight married woman's low wage is offset by her higher-earning male partner, a lesbian couple earns $43,718 less per year than a heterosexual couple — or nearly a whole other gay woman's salary.
These numbers surprised me. Were LGBTQs being offered lower salaries, perhaps as a penalty for gender nonconformity in corporate America? Were they self-selecting into lower-earning careers than their straight counterparts? Or were they settling for less-than-dream jobs and lower salaries, in fields where they felt safe?
Underpaid and worried about their job security, LGBTQs must take steps to empower themselves financially.
Here are three tips that can increase queer Americans' financial independence and options.
LGBTQs often self-identify as spenders, perhaps a flawed response to high rates of trauma and depression. Why save for a future you don't believe you'll have?
Smarter money management and good saving habits are needed — and education is the first step. Many queers resist this because they're under-earning and underrepresented in the personal finance sphere, and it can be easy to feel like the rules don't apply to you.
Straight couples aren't better at planning for retirement because they've figured out life goals, they're better at planning for retirement because they hit a life milestone that forced tough conversations.
Of the LGBTQs Prudential surveyed, 49% were single — and no one's forcing you to sign up for life insurance to protect a family you don't have.
PridePlanners and GuideVine make it easy to search for LGBTQ-friendly financial advisers who can help with milestone decisions, from life insurance to college savings. I stumbled on the podcast Queer Money recently, another relevant resource for LGBTQ financial topics.
Side hustles are a ready source of extra cash if you’re between jobs or need to leave a toxic workplace. However, sharing economy gigs can place you in close quarters with homophobic people, increasing risk.
Former rideshare driver Evan Kail initially came out to any ride who asked whether he had a girlfriend — until he learned the downside of being open with customers who could rate him on his service. “I depended upon my rating... to keep my account active,” he stated.
Worried low ratings could cost him his gig, he began disclosing on a case-by-case basis, judging from the appearance and behavior of his rides whether to come out. For instance, a drunk dude in a Confederate flag shirt who made inappropriate comments (one of Kail’s rides) wouldn’t learn the truth, both for Kail’s personal comfort and his side gig security.
I came out on AirBnB for my personal safety while traveling. I figured being upfront about my sexuality would reduce the odds I’d fall victim to a homophobic host’s physical or verbal attack. I remain out as a host to deter homophobic guests, who wouldn’t be comfortable in my home. While I've had no negative experiences, I worry anytime travelers without reviews book my room.
Knowing your rights at work can ease stress.
If you have an emergency financial need, social service agencies may be able to help. 2-1-1, a United Way Project, lets you search for emergency food, shelter or help paying utilities, among other services.
Lambda Legal provides confidential legal rights information on everything from coming out in a job interview to handling workplace discrimination.
If things don't change, LGBTQs will be in crisis as they navigate retirement and aging. Secure your future first by developing better money habits and building a safety net, then do what you can to help the queer community rise up, whether it's coming out at work or being a strong ally to your LGBTQ friends.
Lindsey Danis (@lindseydanis) is a writer living in the Hudson Valley who covers food, LGBT, travel, essays & commentary.