Host a Game of Thrones Party Fit for King’s Landing on a Flea Bottom Budget
The Game of Thrones season 7 premiere… is coming.
(OK, I promise, that’s the only time I’ll use that line.)
And because we’ve been forced to wait three months too long for this season, the anticipation is as palpable as, well, the tension between Jaime and Brienne.
As excitement over the show’s imminent return spreads as fast as wildfire through The Great Sept of Baelor, it’s time to start thinking about hosting your own premiere party.
Wait, “party?” I guess the correct term would be more like “feast,” because let’s be real: in Game of Thrones-land, you don’t throw parties, you host banquets and feasts and spectacles.
So it’s time to start planning the greatest premiere feast the Seven Kingdoms have ever seen. (And that’s saying something, given the caliber of celebrations that take place throughout the realm.)
But because we’re not all ballin’ on a Lannister budget, and because it’s easier to not have any debt at all than to wear yourself out repeating that line about “always paying” those debts, this feast is going to have to be slightly more cost-effective than the usual King’s Landing affair.
But you’re a Copper Hoarder — as we’re called in Westeros — so you know you can throw a rager of a banquet on a Flea Bottom budget. If you need a jumping off point (too soon, Tommen?) we’ve got some tips to get you started.
To ensure your guests really believe they’ve stepped into an era where the average life expectancy hovers somewhere around 43, you’ll need some convincing decorations to transform your (albeit dated, but certainly not ancient) apartment into a banquet hall fit for a slew of lords and ladies.
First things first: dim the lights and place as many candles as you can get your hands on around the room. You can get a bag of tea lights for just a few bucks at your local dollar or crafting store.
This will give you all the medieval ambience you could ever need and have you well on your way to convincing your acquaintances they’re standing in The House of Black and White.
Just please, please be a smart adult about the whole “room full of candles” thing — no matter how many people show up in Daenerys costumes, not a one of them will actually walk out of the flames untouched.
You can find the soundtracks to the first several seasons of the show on various platforms, including YouTube, Amazon’s Prime Music and Spotify.
Cancel the DJ, press play and boom — it’s almost as good as hiring a real live minstrel to play for your guests.
Show your allegiance to your noble house of choice by DIYing sigils to hang around the room. If you’re feeling pretty crafty, you could knock out this project from Hola Sara in an afternoon while you brush up on past seasons.
If you need something slightly less involved, here’s an awesome, free printable download that features nine of the most recognizable houses in all of the Seven Kingdoms. Simply print the page, cut out each banner and hang them all along a length of string.
The Iron Throne
Because what in the seven hells would a Game of Thrones premiere feast be without an Iron Throne for your guests to fight over?!
Listen, while you could go all out and build a fancy throne fit for whoever it is you’re rooting for to win the titular game, you could also take the easy way out (a la Jaime pushing a secret-wielding Bran out the tower window) and do something like this.
While there are no instructions attached to this version, it looks like a piece of cardboard, a can of spray paint, duct tape and a kitchen chair would just about do it.
“Everything’s better with some wine in the belly.” – Tyrion Lannister
Well, obviously. But if you want to bring some authenticity to your premiere feast, print these free labels from HalloweenCostumes.com and attach them to the bottles of Two Buck Chuck you picked up from Trader Joe’s.
(FYI, the Arbor is an island on the Southwestern tip of Westeros that is famous for both its red and white wines. It’s ruled by House Redwyne, a name that really sort of speaks to me.)
Wildfire Jello Shots
If your guests are looking to get ~wild~ on feast night, try making wildfire Jello shots. The trick here is to just make regular ol’ inexpensive (cheap vodka ftw) Jello shots but with lime-flavored gelatin. They come out a glowing green color and, while they’re not flaming, somebody will certainly be lit by the end of the night.
Milk of the Poppy Cocktail
For a more refined time, cocktails may be the way to go. Try making this milk of the poppy cocktail from Tattooed Martha (actual poppy optional) to quiet the pain of all of your favorite characters dying.
Obviously the most important element of your premiere feast will be the food itself. I mean, it doesn’t have to be anything as elaborate as pigeons baked in a pie, but having a spread fit for at least a squire seems appropriate.
Luckily, you can easily do a Game of Thrones-style feast on a budget — it’s mostly just meat and cheese and bread.
The Main Dish
Are you ready for these very complicated instructions? I mean, this is almost as complicated as the whole Faceless Men storyline, so get ready.
- Buy a rotisserie chicken (or two) from your local grocery store.
- Remove chickens from packaging.
- Place chickens on platter.
- That’s it.
All right, so that wasn’t all that complicated. But in a world where we have the modern convenience of things like cars and grocery stores, why spend 12 hours rotating a spit over an open fire?
If you want to jazz the platter up a little, place some roasted vegetables around the chickens for a more festive look.
Cheese and Fruit Plate
Seriously, with dishes like these, this might be the simplest (OK, but maybe also the only) banquet you ever host.
To add a little fancy to your table, create a cheese and fruit platter with some cheap cheeses from Trader Joe’s, a couple pears and a few bunches of grapes.
There you have it: A decadent-looking cheese plate worth Jaime’s hand’s weight in gold.
The Guest Right
One of the most sacred traditions in Westeros (and really, most ancient cultures) is Guest Right. The idea is that once you’ve welcomed someone into your home with bread and salt, and you’ve both partaken, you cannot harm your guest and your guest cannot harm you for the duration of the visit.
This is an important ritual, particularly if word of your feast got out and that one guy you really can’t stand invited himself along.
Protect yourself (and your feast) by offering him some bread and salt — we wouldn’t want another Red Wedding on our hands.
If you’ve misplaced your great-grandma’s famous Guests Right recipe, don’t worry: Here’s a simple one from The Inn at the Crossroads (a site chock-full of Game of Thrones-inspired recipes in case you want to make your menu more elaborate).
No feast is complete without a delicious dessert, but you have a couple of options here. You could either go the classy route and serve Sansa’s favorite lemon cakes (again, recipe from The Inn at the Crossroads), or the, uh, other route, and serve Ned-pops (recipe from Popsugar).
…in delicious cake form.
When you play the games at this
party feast, you win or you die. And I mean, while the episode itself is more than enough entertainment for one evening, a little game never hurt anyone. (Unless it’s the Game of Thrones — then it hurt everyone you ever loved.)
Game of (Musical) Thrones
You play this one just like musical chairs, but the winner is given the honor of sitting on the Iron Throne all night long.
A Refresher Course
If you’re a Game of Thrones trivia wiz, create a quiz that tests your guests’ knowledge of the show’s first six seasons.
Use Your Westerosi Names
If you really want to transport your guests, create a naming station right when your guests walk in the door.
Set up a laptop with a browser window open to a Westerosi name generator and have guests choose a name and write it on a name tag. For the rest of the night, guests can only refer to each other by their Westerosi names. If anybody slips up, they get their tongue cut out and aren’t allowed to speak for the remainder of the feast
Now that your premiere feast is ready, all you have to worry about is sending out the invitation ravens, kicking up your heels and relaxing as your friends travel over treacherous terrain and through enemy territory to reach your humble castle.
Odds are, two-thirds of them will arrive without incident and your banquet can carry on as planned.
Just, ya’ know, make sure you’re emotionally prepared as well.
Grace Schweizer is a junior writer at The Penny Hoarder. She’s trying to fit six seasons’ worth of a rewatch into the next week of evenings.